I was busing myself putting on concealer to hid my wrinkles and dark circles, looking over every minor details of my face.
"That's an odd way of looking at it. I guess it makes sense, my daughter is the one setting me up." I spoke nervously.
"Don't be nervous Macy!" She noted. "I've been married with Prakash for 25 years now, and we were arranged. Which is just another way of saying I married my blind date. It's basically the same thing!"
"Yeah basically." I said sarcastically. "And no one is marrying anyone, but I suppose your right, it will be fine, Jill said he is very sweet, he's been divorced for 5 years now. Has a son as well." I babbled justifying my reason to actually go through with this evening,
Once Preeti was done with my hair and I finished my makeup, I took one last look in the mirror and was satisfied with the fact that I looked a few years younger than I was. I put on a deep red shade of lipstick on my lips and decided this was the best I was going to look tonight.
We were suppose to meet at the restaurant by 8, so I had called a cab earlier which thankfully arrived at 7:40 because I did not want to be late. Being fashionably late might have been 'cute' in your 20's, but when your over 50, you definitely lose that luxury. I quickly grabbed my tiny clutch purse and headed out the door to my cab that was patiently waiting for me.
Twenty minutes later, I was being guided by one of the waiting staff to my table, which already had the other guess seated.
Arnold, my date, had his reading glasses on the bridge on his nose as he squinted at the menu. His graying hair was perfectly salt and peppered, almost like a formula went into how much was the gray and how much the black. He wore a green tweeted blazer that made him look like a college professor. I liked his clean, uniformed look and my nerves multiplied
When I got to the table, Arnold got up and gave me an awkward hug. I sat down on the chair he had just pulled out for me. It had been awhile since I had someone pull out my chair for me.
"Hope I wasn't too late." I stated apologetically.
"Not at all, in fact I was early." He smiled.
"So, what looks good here?" I asked as I looked though the menu not taking anything in.
It had been 25 years since I've been on my first date. This was hard. The awkward silences echoed loudly in the already loud restaurant.
"The Chicken Marsala didn't look to bad." He suggested.
So when the waiter came back some time later, that's what I ordered because I was too focused on creating small talk to look at the menu. He ordered steak for himself.
We had some awkward pauses but once the food and a bottle of wine arrived, we got more comfortable. We talked about our kids for the first half of the evening. I said I was excited that Jill was part of his Nephew's life and couldn't wait for them to get married. My daughter Jill and Arnold's nephew Henry were suppose to get married at the end on this year.
To prepare for the coming nuptials, Jill and Henry had planned a dinner between both families. Jill only had me, since my husband passed a few years back.
During that dinner, I was taken around to meet all of Henry's parents, friends and relatives, but Arnold couldn't make it because of work. That was when my daughter and her future husband decided to set up this date, so I could not only properly meet him, but maybe the two single old folks in their circle could hit it off. I was hesitant, but Jill had suggested that it would be rude to say no now, as Arnold had already agreed to this date. So to keep face with my future in-laws, I had reluctantly agreed.
Jill had called me a few days back to tell me how excited Arnold was to meet up with me. She described him perfect I had to admit. She said he was cute, had a respectful way of speaking, but also had a sense of humor. She also told me that. "Henry is really excited, Arnold didn't take the divorce well."
There was a lot of pressure to make sure this, if nothing else, went civilly. This man was in my life from this point forward, most likely as just an in-law.
"Jill was saying you work for an nonprofit environmental agency? I envy you. You get to make the world a better place." He said between bites of his steaks.
"I retired after my husband passed away, I had a hard time readjusting to a normal way of life." I said a bit hesitant to mention my husband on a first date.
"Yeah, I took some time off and traveled after my divorce as well." He stated.
"Where did you travel? Any where good?" I asked more so to redirect the conversation into a different topic.
"Thailand for about a week, than I got sick and ended my trip early. Spent the rest of my time off at home in bed eating nothing but cereal and takeout from crappy restaurants for weeks. How pathetic is that? I couldn't travel or properly feed myself without my wife." He laughed.
"No I win, I was definitely more pathetic, for almost a month after my husband died, I...oh this is gross...didn't shower." I hid my face in embarrassment. I couldn't believe I had just admitted that, but his cantor tone when he spoke about his divorce made me feel okay about sharing my pain.
"Losing someone can do that to you. Thing you think you will always need like good food..."
"And cleanliness." I interjected.
"Yes, and cleanliness. They just seem unimportant." He finished.
"I couldn't agree more." I
After the food, we decided to order another bottle of red wine as we had already finished a bottle during dinner and a 3rd glass of red was making its way to my mouth.
"What does a regular day look like for you know that your retired?" He asked.
"Yoga in the morning, and fuck all for the rest of the day." I said, wine had apparently turned me into a vulgar person.
"At least you got yoga." He laughed.
We chatted more about out hobbies, which at this turn in our lives seem to revolve around our kids. In Arnold's case it was his grandson that kept him busy. He shared pictures of him with me. His grandson was a lively looking child with a wide smile. In all the pictures he showed me, the kid seemed to be happy and bright, and I was sure he captivates every person he meet's attention.
"I can't wait till Jill gets pregnant, she is going to be a great mom! She is such a caring person! Just like her fat...her." my voice cracked as I finished that sentence.
I was not sure if it was the wine or the fact that a hard, very upsetting realization had just hit me, but I had to get out of there.
"Sorry Arnold, I am going to call it a night. I though I was ready for this, but I don't think I am." I spoke shakily as I held back tears.
Without even realizing that we hadn't paid for the food, I got up from my chair and as I made my way out, the realization intensified.
The realization that the man who I spent all the important parts of my life with, the love of my life, through his death was going to miss out on meeting his daughter's child. My grandchild in turn will never has a grandfather to spoil him or her, and my family will always be incomplete. But I think I also felt a bit guilty for actually enjoying myself today. How could I forget our 25 years together within just a year of his passing.
A few seconds later, just as I was about to push the restaurant door open, Arnold grabbed my other hand. He turned me around to face him and I braced myself to hear him criticize my rude behavior.
"Look I get it! This clearly is not easy for you, but I think we are having a good time. I haven't talk this much to anyone in awhile" He said.
I looked up, shocked that he was not berating me but rather trying to comfort me.
"How about we just call this 2 old friends catching up. It doesn't have to be a date. Let me talk about my ex-wife some more, rave about my grandchild..."
At the mention of grandchild, I began sobbing uncontrollably. I felt his arms engulf me and I hid my face into his chest in embarrassment and continued to cry. It was like losing my husband all over again. I had mapped out our entire life together, he was suppose till our kids got married, had kids, and if we were luck maybe we got to meet our great grand kids. Today it hit me that he was no longer on this journey with me, and I would go through our future happy moments without him. I didn't want to explain all this to this man I had just met, although it seemed during our conversations at dinner that he was going through a similar pain, like he had planned for a happily ever after, and now his story was rewritten. Perhaps not as amplified as mine, but still he was struggling to get beyond this.
We stood by the door as Arnold gently patted my back for a few more minutes till he finally said, "Would you like me to call you a cab? Or what do the kids call it these days and ober?"
I contemplated this for a minute, maybe I should go home and never put myself through this again, but as upsetting as it was, I realized this was the first time I was able to cry for my pain. After my husband passed away, I let my grief consume me, today felt like a release, and maybe Arnold had nothing to do with it, but I was having a hard time discounting the enjoyment I felt before my breakdown.
"How about we order some coffee and continue to have that friendly catch up you suggested? I suppose after sobbing into that nice blazer I can describe you as an old friend." I said wiping my face.
As we drank coffee and Arnold tiptoed around most topics to ensure I did not burst into tears again, I couldn't help but think that this was the worse case scenario of how the evening could have gone, and somehow I still managed to have a good time.
No comments:
Post a Comment